sam and the firefly

i used to read my beloved babies at mission kids a little story about a sneaky firefly. they wondered at what they were-- the fireflies-- and i did too. in 30 years of life as a california girl, i'd never seen one.

when it came time to move, we talked a lot about why i was leaving and i used the fireflies as a way to explain my need to go see the world, to expand what i knew i could know into what i actually knew, to have experiences, to delve further into the wondrous world that surrounded me.

it became a small mantra: teacher beth is leaving to find the fireflies.

it's been almost ten months. tonight, i was walking amy out of the house. it seems ridiculously late for it to be getting dark, but it's just crossing over. it's night now.

 and i saw a little light skirt across the corner of my line of vision.

i thought it must be a flicker, a sun spot in my eye.

but then it happened again. and again. and again and again. all within a matter of seconds, and i realized: they're fireflies. 

i found the fireflies.

i screamed. i leapt down the stairs. i danced in the grass. a bunny jumped through the yard too, celebrating my juvenile discovery. amy laughed at something that has been so simple, so ever present in her life, so not worth dancing over, how it was so incredible to me.

she caught one in her hand and showed me how it flickered. i screamed some more.

there's something so satisfying about this, such a feeling of completeness. i know it's cheesy. i don't care that it's cheesy. 

i found what i came for. i knew it was happening. every day i knew it was happening. every day i feel calmer, happier, more jubilant, more at peace. every day i feel more like the exuberant beth people once recognized, but without the dark undercurrent that i've claimed so long. 

oh i get sad. i get low and angry and frustrated and worked up. but it's not my timbre anymore. it's not how i talk to and about my life.

guys, I FOUND THE FIREFLIES.

i sat on the porch and watched a while. i watched them turn on and off.  i watched the tiny lights that are so much. i listened to the cars, felt the nighttime warmth that is kentucky spring, laid my head back, laughed like a crazy person, reveled in bugs that have light up buns. i found them.

i'm in the right place. i'm still figuring things out. hopefully, i always will be. but i found the fireflies.

i left to find fireflies, and one night, unexpectedly, they arrived.

and for now, i could not be happier.