wine bar.

i'm going to open a wine bar.

i have to say it like that. i have to say it like it's real. because otherwise i'm going to chicken out.

ladies and gentlemen, i'm opening a wine bar!

i know it's coming out of left field. my life is like “babies! yoga! exercise! green food! homemade cakes! cartoons! jokes! being obsessed with my really handsome and sarcastic boyfriend and his ever evolving facial hair!” nowhere in that equation was there any mention of wine, a possible penchant for becoming a business owner, or a suggestion that i am a risk taker of any kind (the fact that i moved cross country for a boy i barely knew is misleading. that is basically the only risk i ever took, and it was solely because, as aforementioned, nic is really, really handsome).

but it's where i am right now and it's happening.

so far it's only happening in my head, so don't get overly excited/ terrified yet, but i'm in the phase where, like in yoga, a teacher says, imagine pressing down into [some part of your body] to activate [some other part of your body]. and that imagining, that simple act of focusing your mental energy into something actually ignites something else in your physical body. i'm in activation mode.

there are so many details to share, but i will start with how i got here.

it's twofold and really quite simple.

first and most obvious, i kept wanting to go to a wine bar. normally, i pretty much exclusively want to drink beer. i know a lot about beer. i enjoy beer. i could drink beer all day. but after i did whole 30 and become a totally annoying person, who generally tries to avoid gluten (except that i occasionally/ frequently have crackers/ bread/ pizza/ cake/ beer. so... i don't avoid gluten at all. except i've convinced myself i do. but my delusions are not the issue here), sometimes i just don't want beer. beer, in all its majesty, makes me really full and bloated and gassy.

sometimes i just want a glass of wine. there's wine here obviously. one can purchase wine at many places. but it's not represented in the same way that bourbon, cocktails, and craft beer are.

i have no benevolent mission to bring an underrepresented alcohol to justice in kentucky. i'm not fighting the great fight. sometimes i really just want to sit in a wine bar and have a glass of wine. and there are a few places here, which i'm certainly not going to talk shit about, because hating on your future competitors (or anyone for that matter) is tacky and gross, but none of them are just quite what i was looking for.

so anyway, i kept finding myself saying that over and over. it would be a random warm day at 5 and i would say to nic, you know what i want? i want to go to the wine bar that doesn't exist.

and we joked about starting one. and then the joke kept happening. and now i'm writing these words. that's the obvious reason for starting a wine bar: i want it, and it doesn't exist, so i'll make it myself.

but that was just item one.

item two is more important. anyone, who has trudged through my previously-written words knows my constant tale: my struggle to love myself, to feel valuable, to manage my anxiety. it's been magnified lately, specifically the anxiety. i recognize often that i'm just moving to move. i'm organizing, cleaning, straightening, shifting, tapping, biting my nails, exercising, i'm doing 14 things at once and all of them are nothing. i can't sit still. i feel like i'm buzzing. i talk about becoming a barre instructor, a yoga instructor, about joining crossfit, going for a hike, organizing the basement, repainting the hallway, landscaping the yard. they are activities that would be awesome, if the energy behind them wasn't so desperate seeking anything other than exactly the activity. but the energy is asking for much much more. i am frenetic. and it is not okay. it doesn't feel okay.

one day nic and i take a walk and he basically says that i'm running in place. i'm distracting myself.

of course, i get mad at him. i am offended, because i feel like i'm working hard at work and at home, both physically and emotionally. and when he says that, i assume he means that everything i'm doing is pointless.

but then i realize he's right. i'm stuck. i'm stuck doing the same things i've always been doing, even though i have evolved as a person. i am doing safe. i love love love working with kids, and i intend to do so in some capacity always, but i can't see myself just teaching until i die. i can't see myself barely scraping by financially until i die. i can't see myself just working for someone else, just as they've prescribed, until i die. my school is a magical beam of light in a place i thought such beams did not exist. but it's also just so safe. and i am fulfilled by it in so many ways, but then there is still this buzzing. i don't want to not be a teacher. i just also need something else.

and so part of what's hard and weird in my journey to “love myself” is that i actually don't believe for a second that i'm not valuable or lovable. when i'm honest with myself, i think i'm funny and empathetic and loving and wild and weird, in a tolerable way. i think i'm relatable. i think i'm easy to be around, and i work hard, and people actually really like to be around me. but the stories i tell myself about myself get in the way. i default to this played out, high school story that i'm awkward and terrible. i default to doubt and people pleasing. i default to feeling powerless. my mechanisms are off. i'm wired all wrong. i don't not love myself; i just don't know how to let myself operate like i do.

and i realize i've flip flopped back and forth a trillion times. one day i'm announcing how much i love myself and the next i'm wallowing that i'm a piece of shit. i get that i seem crazy. but both are true. that's the problem.

and i think, what nic was sort of saying and what i really need to access that part of me that lets myself love myself, is to just do something that's all mine. to do something where i'm not asking anyone if it's right, because it is right for me. i feel like i need something creative and unique and personal. i clearly need to move, i clearly need to get out my energy. i just want it to be for something. i want to build something. i want my effort and sweat and ideas to evolve into something i can share. i want to do something big.

wine isn't big. honestly i don't give a shit about wine.

but taking a risk and doing something that's mine is.

so this is my risk.

i have an idea for a very simple wine bar. it will be no frills. it will be welcoming and easy. it will only be employed by similarly welcoming people (read: me). i have many, many specific ideas that i will describe in time, but for now just this. wine. and also, me being me. which includes this writing.

i am going to write about it. i am going to write about starting a business, when you have no fucking idea how to start a business. about learning about wine, when the only thing you really know is how to differentiate between colors. and i am going to make my drawings part of the business too. whether they are coasters or menus or bathroom signs or all or none of the above, they will be there. because these two things, the writing and the drawing, are important to me. they are me. and i've been looking for a way to channel them and i think this really might just be the place to start. i think that i can pour a little wine and write some words and draw some pictures and it will be really way harder than i ever could have imagined, but it will be worth it, because it will be mine.

so this is my mission statement:

my mission is to create a wine bar that's not about wine. my mission is to create a wine bar that's about community and comfort and creativity and ease and a total absence of pretension. people gather around alcohol. people like alcohol. and (in the utmost responsible way) i want to use it as the place from which i can be a part of this very accessible, awesome, evolving city. i want to fill an empty spot i found and make it a vehicle for whatever else comes up. i want to make a lot of space for the creativity i've been craving so much.

okay, that's not a mission statement.

which brings me to, one more time: i have no idea what i'm doing. i don't even know what a mission statement is. i feel EVERYTHING. i feel guilty and lost and terrified and excited and weird. i feel confident and then like a total moron. i cried like fifteen times today. i feel insane.

i know you have questions too. i feel pretty confident that, if you made it this far, you might think i'm an idiot or that i've lost my mind. but i also think this is why it's important for me. i will do this not because you think it's right, but because i think it's awesome. i will override my default to gain approval and just say, this is what i'm doing.

ladies and gentlemen, i'm opening a wine bar.